You’ve all been Elfed…

Life is all about the Ass

You're either covering it,
Laughing it off,
Kicking it,
Kissing it,
Busting it,
Showing it,
Trying to get a piece of it,
Or just behaving like one ...

Merry CHRISTmas Everyone

Chuck & Emily

This is Emily’s Birthday/Christmas Present.

It’s a little grungy because it’s rained for two days (and we needed it) We picked it up Wednesday in Ft. Gibson. It’s an ‘89 model Chevrolet Silverado. It’s loaded and has a new motor, transmission , tires, and a Kenwood CD player. We got it from a friend of my sister so we know the history on it. We put a new Steering Wheel in it and bought a tool box for the bed that we will put in tomorrow, we also have a new set of Rockford Fosgate speakers to install. Emily wants to do a few more things to it before she has it the way she wants. All she needs now is to get her licenses. A few more driving lessons and she will be ready to take her test. I don’t think I’ll ever be ready for that.

Five things you may not know about Chuck. A Tag from The Babs Bitchin’

1. I’m a Born Again Virgin.

2. I was born with only one left nut.

3. All of my toes look like they came from different feet, I named the big one on my left foot “Frankentoe”. I tore the nail off of my right big toe last year and it grew back looking like a Barbeque Corn Chip.

4. I am the real reason why your Mother told you to be careful as a kid or you could put someone’s eye out. On July, 7th 1973, in Upland California I threw a homemade spear into the left eye of my 5 year old brother (I had made the spear to hunt cats). My Mother beat my ass before they took him to the hospital, when they brought him home from the hospital with a HUGE patch over his eye, she beat my ass again, then when my Father got home from work that night he beat my ass until I smelled bad. Three weeks later when he got the bandages off and had to wear some F**ked up big ass glasses with one coke bottle lens my Mother and Father beat my ass tag team style, taking turns until they tired out. Then 12 years later when the same little brother kicked me in the left eye and knocked me smooth out and my eye swelled completely shut my Mother and Father laughed and told me it served me right.

5. I got kicked out of school in the 12th grade for beating up a deaf kid with glasses named Shannon, first off he was a deaf kid with glasses and secondly his name was Shannon, he deserved to get beat up. Actually the little shit hit me first and called me a “ath-hole” so I clocked him. I’ve become much more sensitive as an adult.

(I got my ass beat a Hell of a lot as a child and I can honestly say that I was never abused and I probably didn't get it near as much as I should have. If I had ever threatend to call the Cops or Child Welfare, my Mom and Dad would have dialed "9*1" and handed me the phone and beat my ass anyway while I tried to dial the last "1")

“The worst an honest man can do is make an honest mistake.” -- Captain Augustus McCray, Texas Rangers, cir. 1870 {Lonesome Dove}

Well I lied about not whining anymore…

In fact I may change the name of my Blog to “Chuck’s Bitch Post” and turn off the comment section. I’ve got a lot of tickets in my day, most of them for f**ked up reasons or for doing something stupid, but I never got one while taking a nap in my own bedroom before. I did not go to bed until about 5:00 AM this morning so at Noon I was still in bed when I heard a knocking and someone yelling, “ Police Department.” I got up and went to the front door which was OPEN and there is a what I think is a Policeman standing there and he’s a big Son of a Bitch. In a not so friendly voice he asked me if these were my dogs running around outside , I said yes but I don’t know how they got out, they’re house dogs and I’ve been asleep, I have no idea how they got out or why my door is open, he said neither do I but you need to get them put up before I right you a citation. I said “ok, give me just a minute.” I called my sister and told her to come over quick that I had a situation. Another dog catcher pulls up and he jumps out and they start chasing my dogs, which are barking and running up and down the street and not paying any attention to anything I say. Then I notice that the first Policeman is a dog catcher also, he yells at me to come get my dogs, he’s a little mad now because he looks like an idiot and can’t catch the dogs, he yells at me again, I’m standing in my doorway in my underwear and so I yell back at him “I can’t, I’m in a F**king wheelchair, I’ve called my sister and she is on her way over here right now to help.” He’s getting hotter by the minute and I’m none too happy myself. He then yells at me to give him my Drivers License so I go and get it, by this time I have stood all I can, he asked me to come outside and I told him to come inside, he did and took my license and went back out to his truck, I slammed the door and said , “F**K!!” that’s all I need, something to cost me more money, my sister finally arrived and brought the dogs in, she talked to the Dog Napper and he still didn’t sound too happy and I’m way pissed. He again asked me to come outside and I told him once again to come inside. He gave me two tickets to sign and I told him that he was a very nice man, he said, “I’m just doing my job” and I told him that his job sucked and he didn’t have to give me a ticket that he just wanted too because he was mad, he told me to have a nice day in that tone that means kiss my ass so I told him to do the same in an even shittier voice. Two tickets for $244.00 each, Merry F**king Christmas to me, and F**K my F**KING worthless ******* neighbors because they were the ones outside pointing at my house and yelling at the Dog Catchers, The same F**king ******** that Honk their car horns 10 to 20 times a day all hours of the day and night and they drive like a Bat out of Hell up and down our street like it was a racetrack and they have that F**KING loud assed wannabe Bass turned up all the way music so that it vibrates all of the windows in my house, not to mention that they are always - ALWAYS out in the streets at 1 and 2 o’clock in the morning yelling and screaming like a bunch of Fucking Hillbillies who came into town for the first time. And if someone doesn’t like the way I call them ******** they can just take a flying suck at my corn hole with their tongues out, because I don’t give a shit if they’re Black, White, Red, Green, or Yellow, they’re still ASSHOLES!!! I’m pissed and don’t care much for people right now and I’m fighting off the urge to retaliate against the whole neighborhood for all of the crap I put up with from them but they sure are quick to call the Cops on me. F**k em’, F**k em’ all. I must have been a real Dick in a previous life.

P.P. [Post Post]
(I hate it whenever I use the word "F**k", especially when I spell it out. My Father always told me that someone who uses it has a limited vocabulary, he was right, I mostly only use it when I'm mad and when I'm mad I'm stupid. Forgive me please.)

A Letter From S. Claus

Dear Boys and Girls,

I have been watching you very closely to see if you have been good this year, and since most of you have, I will be telling my elves to make some goodies for me to leave under your trees at Christmas time.

I was going to bring you all gifts for each of the 12 days of Christmas, but we’ve had a little problem this year.

The 12 fiddlers fiddling have all come down with the Clap from fiddling around with the 10 ladies dancing, the 11 lords a-leaping have knocked up the 8 maids a-milking, and the 9 pipers piping have been arrested for doing some awfully weird things to the 7 swans a-swimming.

The 6 geese a-laying, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves and that friggin’ partridge in a pear tree have me up to my sled runners in bird shit.

On top of all this, Mrs. Claus is going through the menopause, 6 of my reindeer are in heat, the elves have ran off and joined the gay rights liberation, and some people who can't Habla a Damn calendar have scheduled Christmas for the 5th of January!

Maybe next year I will be able to get my shit together and bring you the things that you wanted. This year I suggest you get your sorry little asses down to Wal-Mart before everything is gone.

Love,
Santa

This is the last time I whine about anything.

Every since Tuesday when I found out that Social Security had approved my claim, I’ve felt like crap. My stomach is uneasy and my chest hurts, I can’t tell if it’s my heart or lungs. It just feels kind of tight and every now and then I have to take an extra breath to catch up. I’ve felt like crap most of my adult life so I don’t get too excited over pain. I think maybe I'm worried about not having anything to worry about. Wednesday they canceled my Social Security appointment and they had to take my brother to the emergency room. He’s in ICU, at first they said it was pneumonia but now they say he has had a full blown heart attack. He’s 52 and this is his 3rd or 4th one. He already has a defibulater (sp?) in his chest and he goes to dialysis 3 times a week, not to mention the Diabetes. He still gets around better than I do most of then time and helps me out when he can. I try and make myself not think about him so much, growing up he was my Hero, and still is in a lot of ways, I don’t know what I’ll do if something happens to him, I think I wouldn’t be too far behind him.
Social Security called me again yesterday and said that they could do my claim over the phone, so it only took us about 20 or 30 minutes and we were pretty much finished. She said it would take 24 hours to process and she’d call me back today with the final figures, so I’d better stay off of the computer I guess. I started my claim December 15th 2005, one year ago today. I didn’t complete my paperwork and get all of my information turned into until March 2006. So they say they’ll pay my claim back to April 2006. So that’s 8 months by their figures instead of 12 by mine. And they are going to pay my back pay at S.S.I. Rates (Welfare) that’s less than half of what regular S.S. Disability is. And having a child does not make any difference. And any money I used to get by on the last year depending on where it came from and if I have to pay it back or not will count against me. So I am probably going to get less than a quarter of what I was expecting and if I’m lucky it will be just enough to catch up my house payments, so all the money that I am in dept will remain to be a dept and with the amount I will be receiving monthly I will probably remain in dept a long f**king time. It sucks to be me, but hey… I could be a conjoined twin that shares a butt hole with a gay brother, so things could be worse. Peace and health to you all.

I said whenever I got my money the first thing I was gonna do was celebrate by going out and eating BBQ.
Well I didn’t get my money yet but we went out last night and pigged out anyway. I set aside my diet for the evening (Hell I’ve set it aside a lot of evenings) Emily, my sister Mytra, my youngest brother James and his girlfriend Lari all went to Runts BBQ, we had ribs, sliced beef, hot links, potato salad, fried okra, and iced tea. It felt good to pick up the ticket for a change. Afterwards we went to Wal-Mart to do some shopping and get some dog food. How White Trash is that, our big night out and we go to Wal-Mart. Well at least it was a Super Wal-Mart. Once again it was nice to spend a few buck without having to think about it. I hope S.S.I. hurries up and reschedules my appointment to sign the papers, I can still hardly sleep, even with an incredibly full stomach. We had to buy Maalox at the store. Peace.

Wednesday December 13th, 2006 @ 8:20 AM. Social Security called me at home and asked me if I was me, and I said, “yeah…”, she (Erica) said, “Mr. Shoemake do you have an appointment today at 1:30 with Social Security?” (Pause…) I said, “yeah…”, she (Erica from Hell) said, “your case worker is out sick today so we’re going to have to cancel your appointment.” I said, “you’re kidding me”, she (Erica The Ball Breaker) said, “no, when she comes back in to work she’ll call you and reschedule your appointment for NEXT week.” (Pause…) I said, “GRRE-ATE!” She (Erica The Bureaucratic No Frigging Soul Having Bee-yotch) said, “thank you and have a nice day” (Click)

On another fine note my sister called me at 7:00 AM and said that they had to take my older brother to the Emergency Room this morning with chest pains and extreme shortness of breath, and that his Nitro tablets were not helping. And when I got on the computer I found out that Peter Boyle, who played Frank Barone, the father on “Everybody Loves Raymond” died Tuesday in N.Y. He died Tuesday evening at the New York Presbyterian Hospital. He had been suffering from multiple myeloma and heart disease. He was also in movies like, "Young Frankenstein" and "The Dream Team". He was 71 years old. That man could really make me laugh.

Some days things just really suck.

Tuesday December 12th, 2006 @ 8:05 AM. Social Security called me at home and asked me if I was me, and I said, “yeah…”, she (Sandy) said, “Mr. Shoemake I am with Social Security and I have an allowance here on your claim so you WILL be receiving S.S.I., can you come into the office tomorrow at 1:30 PM ? (Pause…) “HELL YES I CAN!”

Cool huh? I’ll fill you in more later.

The True difference between a Man and a Woman in the form of poetry.

~ WOMAN'S POEM ~

Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep.
One who's handsome, smart and strong,
One who loves to listen long.
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.

~ MAN'S POEM ~

I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs and who owns a liquor store and a bass boat. This doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit.

I Have Few Friends.

And yet I have no complaints, no worries. The friends I do have are top shelf. I guess as you get older the buddies kind of weed themselves out. You don’t have time for them or they don’t have the time for you. This is a good thing, kind of a natural culling of the herd. The real friends stay with you over the years. You don’t have to see them or even hear from them all the time. You know who they are and there is a comfort in just knowing they are there. I hope my friends all know who they are and know that I love them like family. You don’t get to pick your family, it’s kind of a crap shoot, either you’re lucky or you’re not. God has blessed me on both accounts. I wish that all of my friends could read this and know that I do love them. If I never get the chance to come out and say it just know that I do. It’s a given. And if I ever change my mind I’ll let you know. One of my brothers… I mean one of my friends has a blog. Chef Wannabe He has a bigger heart than most people know, and whether he admits it or not it’s a lot bigger than mine. If he thinks half as much of me as I do of him, then I’m truly a blessed man. He loves his God, his Family and his Friends. Some day soon we’ll share a meal together, hopefully it will be a meal we prepare ourselves outdoors on a grill. It’s been too long since we’ve broken bread together. I would like for him and his family to meet the rest of my friends and family. We just might have to get together at the lake or something this summer. I think that’s a fine idea, I’ll have to see that it happens. Peace to all and take care.

(thanks Chief, for everything)

Do you know your U.S. Geography?

Can you match all 48 lower States? Go here and see how much you know. http://www.pibmug.com/files/map_test.swf
The first time I tried it I got 28, the third time I got 39, and the fifth time I got all 48. Just click and drag, it’s easy. It helped me to do the ones I didn’t know first. Let me know how you did. Peace and good luck.

I had to go to Tulsa today for a bone scan of my left hip to try and determine the reason why I have considerable weakness in my left leg and have trouble baring weight on it, also to try and figure out why I have an elevated CPK level. I had to be at the Hospital 30 minutes early to check in, and because it was 23 degrees outside and Tulsa had just received nine and a half inches of snow, we had to leave a little early, about 8:00 AM. We found the Hospital with little effort, I hadn’t been there in years and there are like nine Hospitals in the Tulsa area so we had to drive around a minute or two before we found it. We had no problems getting in and finding out where to go, everything was going pretty smoothly and we didn’t have to wait long, I keep saying we because my sister Mytra drove me and Emily up there, Emily goes with me to most of my appointments because she helps wheel me around. Anyway all was fine and well, they only had to poke me five times before they could find a vein and then they had me stand up and push my pelvis up against this odd looking machine, I felt like I was molesting a television. Being that my problem is baring weight, standing and thrusting my pelvis forward was a huge pain in the butt, I could hardly stand up as long as they needed me to, then they shot the dye into me and told me to come back in three hours and do it all again. Sweet, no one had bothered to tell me we had to wait and kill time in Tulsa for three hours, a little info would have been helpful. So we went to the Bass Pro Shop in Broken Arrow and looked around for a while, then we got lost for about an hour in downtown Tulsa and finally made it back to the hospital in time to take a second go around at the bone scan thingy whopper. Never did hear anything about the elevated CPK problem and at 2:00 PM they said I could go, we stopped on the way home and had Chinese Food at a local buffet and I way - way over ate, we got home about 5:00 PM and by 6:00 PM I was in full “Nap Mode.” Em’s mom called at 8:00 PM and woke us up, Em started getting a headache that turned into a Migraine, which always makes her nauseated and by 10:00 PM she was revisiting her Chinese food, she said it was not as good the second time around. Finally by around 11:00 PM she was feeling well enough to go to sleep and we called it a day, she went to sleep and I got on the computer. So that was our day, I’m kind of tired and I’ve not really done anything other than sit in a car, sit in a hospital, and sit in a restaurant. I think I’ll give the dogs a snack and hit the hay myself. Peace and good night.

Two buddies, Bob and Larry, are getting very drunk at a bar when suddenly Larry throws up all over himself. "Oh, no... Now my wife will kill me!"

Bob says, "Don't worry, pal. Just tuck a twenty in your breast pocket and tell your wife that someone threw up on you and gave you twenty dollars for the dry cleaning bill."

So they stay for another couple of hours and get even drunker.

Eventually Larry stumbles home and his wife starts to give him a badtime. "You reek of alcohol and you've puked all over yourself! My God, you're disgusting!"

Speaking very carefully so as not to slur his words, Larry says, "Nowainaminit, I can e'splain everythin. tsh snot wha jew think. I only had a cupla drrrinks. But thiss other guy got sick on me... he had one too many! And he juss koudin hold hizz liquor. He said hes was verrry sorry an' gave me twennie bucks for the cleaning bill!"

His wife looks in the breast pocket and says, "But this is forty bucks.."

"Oh, yeah... I almos' fergot, he shhhhhit in my pants, too."

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children.

"You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother, Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy".

He turned to the second Mom, Ann: "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

He turns to the third Mom, Joyce: "Your obsession is alcohol. This too manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy".

At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, gets up, takes her little boy by the hand and whispers: "Come on, Dick, we're leaving.

(thanks JT and SRG for keeping me smiling with your e-mails)