A Letter From S. Claus

Dear Boys and Girls,

I have been watching you very closely to see if you have been good this year, and since most of you have, I will be telling my elves to make some goodies for me to leave under your trees at Christmas time.

I was going to bring you all gifts for each of the 12 days of Christmas, but we’ve had a little problem this year.

The 12 fiddlers fiddling have all come down with the Clap from fiddling around with the 10 ladies dancing, the 11 lords a-leaping have knocked up the 8 maids a-milking, and the 9 pipers piping have been arrested for doing some awfully weird things to the 7 swans a-swimming.

The 6 geese a-laying, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves and that friggin’ partridge in a pear tree have me up to my sled runners in bird shit.

On top of all this, Mrs. Claus is going through the menopause, 6 of my reindeer are in heat, the elves have ran off and joined the gay rights liberation, and some people who can't Habla a Damn calendar have scheduled Christmas for the 5th of January!

Maybe next year I will be able to get my shit together and bring you the things that you wanted. This year I suggest you get your sorry little asses down to Wal-Mart before everything is gone.

Love,
Santa