I Don't Get Out Much


I really don’t get out much, but talking with some of my new friends while blogging has made me feel a little more social. There is a little bar a few blocks from my house and it’s usually not very crowded. So when my kid went to stay with her Mom for a few days I thought why not, I got cleaned up, shaved broke out the Z-14, and headed on down to the beer joint to check out the local action. When I arrived there was only about six or eight cars in the parking lot which was great because I could park close to the door and limp inside. Now I’m a big guy but I think I’m pretty charming and witty so I don’t do too bad with the ladies. But there is really none there to be had. I can’t stand long enough to play pool so I just sit down at the bar and have a beer… or seven.
It’s about 9:15 pm when somebody taps me on the back. I turn and it’s an old buddy of mine that I used to see around a lot when I got out and frequented the clubs more. We talked some and had a few more beers and then talked some more, mostly about getting older and being single and how it was getting later and there still was no more women in the place. Then he told me he had bought a monkey. I started laughing and said “no way” he said “no shit, a little spider monkey like Ross had on Friends.” He said he got it from a guy who lived in Tulsa in an apartment and couldn’t keep it anymore. It was getting late and I was ready to head for home and he ask me if I wanted to see his monkey? After spitting beer out of my nose, I ask him if he knew how funny that sounded but he was laughing too and wiping beer off of his shirt.
We walked out to the parking lot and I got in my truck and he said, “no really, come on by and we can have a few more beers and it would be a lot cheaper than drinking in the bar anyway”, I thought about some more and said, “what the hell", and followed him to his house, it was only a few blocks in the other direction. When we got to his house, while I was peeing he got his monkey out of the cage and brought it into the living room. Sure as shit it looked just like the monkey on “Friends”, he said it could do a few tricks and told it to get his beer (it’s name was Bob) so it jumped off his lap, onto the coffee table and picked up his beer for him. He then said it had a special trick that it could do and I asked, “what’s that?” He said it would give him a head job. More beer came out my nose. I told him he was full of shit and that I was heading home because this was getting pretty damn weird, he then told me he was not shitting me and said “watch this”, he opened his pants up, smacked the monkey across the back of the head, leaned back and the monkey jumped down on his goober and started giving him a head job! I thought to myself, OMG where in the Hell am I, this is some freaky shit. That little monkey was going to town on that johnson, he was acting like he liked it and my buddy was REALLY acting like he liked it. About two minutes later when the deed was done, the monkey jumped back on the coffee table and took a drink of beer. I could not believe that shit. My buddy was all smiles and said it was better than any girl he ever knew. He then asked me if I wanted to try it? I thought to myself, I’ve done worse shit in my life so why not. I said, “sure I’ll give it a try” my buddy reached over and smacked me across the back of the head and leaned back.
I don’t go out on Thursday nights anymore.