Saturday...
I cried, I screamed as loud as I could, for as long as I could. I stomped the floor and I cried again. I prayed and after a while I laid down in bed and cried some more. I thought that either I could drink a bottle of Jack Daniel’s or take some pills that would make me sleep. I opted for the pills. At first when I woke up I didn’t know whether it was day or night. I cried again. Through out the rest of the day, every now and then I would start crying. Each time it wasn’t for very long, just enough to give me a headache. I keep picturing my brother’s face. The way he looked when he was young and healthy and then the way he looked the last time I saw him in the hospital. I hope the one where he is young will finally win out and completely replace the one where he is sick.
His memorial service is Monday. It’s gonna be a long day. Afterwards Emily is going to her mom’s for the rest of the week. It’s gonna be a long week. When my mom died I got mad and wanted to know why. When my dad died I got even madder and still wanted to know why. Now that my brother is gone I’m not getting mad and I don’t really care why. I know that it’s just the way things are. It doesn’t make it any easier. All anyone can do is just keep breathing. If it wasn’t for Emily I think that I could just lay down and stop.
posted by Chuck at
3:34 AM
6 Comments:
Your faith must prevail. Funerals are only for those left behind. It is the Graduation Ceremony. You must remember this and stand on your faith. It is not a lack of faith to question death, darlin' It is not a lack of faith to cry, when our loved ones leave us, it's so hard to fill that void. But we must rejoice for them and your brother would want you to look up, just like you did, when you were a little guy and remember those good times, with a smile on your face. I'll pray that you may work through it, till you get that smile back. Your brother is fine, he told me so. Did you two, wrestle on the couch, one of you fell off and you broke that weird vase thing on the end table and you both tried to glue it back together?
He'll want you to know that he's always right there, always and will see you on the flip side.
I do know how you feel. Although Ken was not my blood brother, he was my brother in every other way. And when he was killed it took a long time for me to adjust.
I was so mad, and so full of rage.. that i couldn't let him go.. i just didn't want to.
A few months later, i was in a different house and still surrounded by his memory. And i decided that i was okay with this. That he and I were always going to have that bond and that nothing could take that from me. And i just stopped crying.
It did take me a few months, and it still hurts to recall things 3 years later. But the point here, is that you are not alone. If it were not for Kira I would have stopped functioning. And i think that is a normal responce. But you know that there are plenty of things worth livign for, and that the memories you have of your brother can't be erased.
Hold on to that comfort, and pray your brother this much needed relase from unhealth and pain.
e-mail or call me anytime hun.
I'm a phone call away bro.
I am not a Christian, I'm Jewish, in fact, but this poem was read out by the Rabbi at my Grandmother's funeral. It gave me a lot of comfort. I've been reading your blog for a while now and I ache for you right now.
http://www.hisimage.org/pattiesporch/Visitors/what-is-dying.htm
babs - my faith is strong. but my heart hurts.
chef - i'll call you soon, when i can speak without crying.
xmichra - i actually thought about you and ken and knew that you would understand. thanks.
d.a. - i thought you were babs... anyway, nothing wrong with being jewish, i'm gonna check out that poem next. thanks for reading.
thanks d.a. - just gone from sight.
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