Monday...

Monday June 11th at 3:00 PM, we had the Memorial service for my brother Larry Ray today. I saw people that I’d hadn’t seen in over 25 years. I saw people that I had loved at one time or the other. Until today I had never regretted my life. Even with my failures and pains I’d always felt like I had led a good life and that everything was worth it. I had a wonderful father and mother all though they were taken from us too soon. My mom was 49 and my dad 54 when they passed, 3 years apart. I’d had a good relations with all of my brothers and sister. My marriage short as it was, my daughter the best thing that ever happened to me (and still is) my real friends were few but great. I had and have a good relation with God and it’s only gotten better with time. But so many of the people that I saw today were from a different time in my life. From a time when I could have taken many different directions that would have made my life so different. Maybe better maybe worse. During the service my mind wondered. What had happened along the way that I had turned away from these people and taken a path that led me elsewhere. Some of these people I had loved. Some I had thought of as family. Some I had gone to church with and shared meals with. Some I had worked with and some I had known as my brother’s best friends which I’d run around with and grew up with also. My ex wife was there, I see her quite often and we get along pretty well but if I’d known that she was gonna age this well I might have tried harder because she is still hot. There were a few girls there that I had crushes on when I was younger, a couple that I’d even gone out with once or twice. Now they are married and showing me pictures of their kids and even grandkids. Most people there had never seen me in a wheelchair before and I was worried that they would make a fuss over me, and that was the last thing I wanted. This day was not about me and I did not want to spend it explaining why I was in the chair, but it was not too bad. I tend to think things are gonna be worse than they are sometimes. We visited a lot and went to my sister’s afterwards and visited some more. And when it was over and I got home my fears were realized. I had been worried since Friday that when this day was over and all was said and done and everyone was gone and it was quiet again, that I would return home and it would finally hit me. Hit me worse that it already had if that was even possible. My brother, my big brother was gone. So I cried again. And I know that it’s not over and it won’t be anytime soon. I know I’m not the first person to lose a brother but it’s my first time to lose one and I have nothing good to say about it. I miss him. I try and look down the road and I know that I’ll miss him then too. Stupid me got out the family pictures when I got home. That was the wrong thing to do. Larry was the first born so naturally the folks took ten times more pictures of him than the rest of us. I figured out how dumb this was so I put them back away for another time. Maybe a time when it wouldn’t be so hard. If it seems that I’m starting to ramble it’s because I am. I don’t want to get off of here because I’ll start to think too much again. You can only cry so much and then sleep will take over. I’ve done a lot of that in the last four days. Sleep, eat, stair at the wall, sleep, eat, stair at the wall, and then take some medication and sleep some more. Whoever said that denial was a bad thing? If the meds and whiskey hold out I may make it through the week. Peace and good fortune to all.

Larry Ray Shoemake, Born Nov. 22nd, 1954 - Died June 8th, 2007