Ready For The Pasture ?

I can hardly explain how I’ve felt lately, I’ll just say it has not been very good. I’ve seen way too many doctors and that does not look like it will be ending anytime soon. I have an appointment with a heart specialist for a SSDI evaluation in Tulsa on Wednesday and then I will be admitted into the Indian Hospital in Tahlequah on Thursday at 1:00 PM. I spent 7 hours at the Hospital yesterday, they wanted to keep me but I had things that needed taking care of first. So I had to promise to come back on Thursday. My blood sugar is out of control, the insulin is just not working, my B/P was 180 over 100, I’m carrying about 70 lbs of excess fluid weight which means my heart and lungs are surrounded by fluid, the swelling in my legs has not gone down in over a year and I have a couple of diabetic ulcers on my left leg that have not healed in as long, and they are constantly draining (gross, huh?) So I get to stay in the hospital for a week or two, I don’t know for sure how long. They will be trying to adjust my medications, take off some of the fluid, and get me on a diet that will keep me going a while longer. They usually find a few more things to do to me while I’m there also.
Now here’s the odd part, I have decided that I really don’t want to die. I have thought that I was ready for this, almost looking forward to this for the last couple of years. If it were not for my kid I would probably already have gone. 41 years may not seem like a long time to be on earth but I always figured it was the mileage rather than the years that wear you down, and my odometer has turned over a few times already. I’m just tired and I’ve had a pretty good life, not many regrets other than I wish I had treated people and animals better. But now for some reason I’d like to stick around a while longer and live a little better, not just to merely exist but actually live life fuller. Get outside, go camping and fishing, ride horses (I use to own a few), maybe slap a fat chick on the ass now and then. Eating right, losing weight, controlling my sugars is a big step in getting better, I may not get rid of the pain but I should be able to get some of the use of my legs back. I haven’t been able to walk more than a few feet at a time for quite a while now, I even rented a wheelchair yesterday, notice I said “rented” because I’m either not going to be in it forever or I’m not going to need it for long, the second being the grimmer of the two. I’ve had chances before to improve my situation but I guess I just didn’t take it seriously enough. So this time when I get home I’m going to stick to the diet, exercise, and take the lasix like I’m supposed to and try to keep the swelling and fluid retention down. So don’t count me out or try and put me to pasture just yet, I may have a hunt or two left in me.
Now for the main reason for this post, I’ve been neglecting my Blog lately, mainly because of being ill and having some anxiety issues but I’ve missed my friends a butt-load and I hope you all will not forget me and continue to check back with me. Like I said I should be in the hospital for a week or two and I know when I get out I’ll be getting back to my computer ASAP. I have a list of people I try and visit everyday and you all are a big part of my life (Babs, Xmichra, Wysteria, Di, Montanus, Whatalotofffun, Mary Blackchurch, Korero, Whozfan, Nyasha, Tnchick, and my most favorite commenter, Arizona Country Girl) there are others too, I'm sure I'm forgetting someone, along with a lot of visitors that don’t leave comments but I appreciate you all for stopping by and reading my rambles and chatting back and forth. Please don’t give up on me and I’ll be back in the saddle before long and posting like I used to. Thanks for keeping me going these last few months. I wish that they would let me take my dog "Tigg" with me, I could tell them that he is a trained service dog, he keeps me calm and from harming people. I may get in another post or two before I leave Thursday. I hope to see you all soon. Peace.