~ Hell Yeah It Was Him ~You ever notice how when the police catch a murderer or a serial killer, the media interviews their neighbors and it's always the same response, "He's the best neighbor you could ask for, such a nice quiet young man," or "He wouldn't hurt a fly, he's a good Christian boy." If my cheese ever finally slips all the way off my cracker, and the police catch me on top of the 7-11, buck-naked with a .223 Caliber, Colt AR-15 H-Bar, with a Springfield 4x12 powered scope and 5 or 6, 30-round clips loaded with 55 Grain Remington Jacketed Hollow Points and a half empty canteen of Jack Daniels Whiskey (Hell I got chubby just typing it and NO! I haven't given it that much thought) well anyway it would be a whole different story when the media showed up to interview my neighbors. They would be having a block party, playing music, dancing in the streets. They would be burning my lawn mower and hauling my dogs away. And they would be fighting to get in front of the camera so they could be the first to say, "Hell Yeah It Was Him!" You see for some reason or the other, my neighbors have hated me for years. I don't know why. Maybe it's because I have the ugliest house on the street that needed painting 20 years ago. Maybe it's because I'm in my 40's and most of them are in their 70's and 80's. My immediate neighbor to my left is in her late 70's and her mom lives across the street. Maybe it's because I hardly ever mow my lawn. Back when the hatred first started and I was married, my pregnant (8 months along at the time) X-Wife was mowing the lawn (it was a little overgrown and the city had given me a citation for $120 to mow it or they would and put a lien on my property and, yada, yada, yada...and so on, anyway the mower burst into flame and she had to push it out into the street to keep from catching the yard on fire. Long story short, I'm not much on upkeep and lawn maintenance and all of my neighbors live for lawn care. One of my neighbors has a $6000 riding lawn mower and a 12' by 30' yard, it takes him longer to get it out of the garage than it does to mow. One of them pays a service to take care of his lawn once a week and then he gets out there in between visits and mows it himself, and he's only 86, the Ambulance has been at his house more times than I've fired up my mower. One time they called the police on me for having an abandoned vehicle in my yard. It Was My Friggin' Truck that I Drove Everyday! Also maybe there has been a few incidents with my dogs or a loud TV or Stereo. They watch me every time I come or go, you can see them looking out their windows and doors. They all know my name (I've lived here for 16 years and I couldn't tell you one of their names) But the one time somebody breaks into my Truck and steals my Ruger .357 Mag. Well Then, no one sees a Damn thing now do they? Well they can all take a flying smooch at my butt-crack with their tongues out. They've bugged me a whole hell of a lot more than I've bugged them. Cat prints on my truck, little yippin' foo foo dogs, lawn mowers and weed trimmers at 7:00 am on Saturdays and Sundays, yard sales and people blocking my driveway and driving through my yard. One time I had this tree in my back yard, my only tree. It was a Hackberry and not too desirable but it was a tree, probably a foot or so around, 30 or 40 foot tall. They wanted me to cut it down but I wouldn't. Now it was in my back yard mind you, and I never go back there. One day, Months later I happen to look out the back window and I notice... I HAVE NO TREE! The old codgers cut down my tree and hauled it all off, there was no sign of it at all (they did do a good job) There is no telling when they did it, I worked all the time, about 70 hours a week, I didn't pay attention to my back yard. The nerve of those people. Well that's my Hell on earth, living in town surrounded by Old Folks. I hope I never get old enough to worry about my grass as much as they do. Hey, maybe if I hold out long enough they will all take up a collection and pay a lawn service to keep my yard up. I gotta go now, I'm gonna plant some flowers in that old toilet setting out in my front yard, I never did haul it off when I got a new one back in 98. Good day.
posted by Chuck at
3:02 PM
8 Comments:
Chuck, I was actually laughing out loud as I read this. I've never been much on keeping up with the Jones and usually had a whole club of bikers at my house most every Fri. and Sat. Night. Maybe they were too fearful to call the police. They did call 'em when we set off fireworks one time and we hid the,"big Cahuna," as we saw 'em coming. They took the rest but we set that bitch off the minute we saw the patrol cars leave. Ten minutes later they showed up again,wanting our fireworks and we told 'em that they took them all, of course we had big shit eatin' grins on our faces but we even welcomed them to look around cause really that was the last one but it was the biggest and actually lit up the sky. I hate those nosey ass neighbors. But Chuck, ever thought of moving to the country? BTW, nice gun, well both'll do the job. My all time favorite was mt .44 Super Blackhawk. I used to wear it in a shoulder holster under my leather jacket. Hell, it was as big as me but it made me feel as big as it. I'd go anywhere and up against anything with that strapped on. But of course, that's really only good for up close and personal so I had a .22 Long Rifleand a pistol and a 30-30 and with a high power scope. I used to shoot turkey buzzards w/ it. Those bullets are too expensive to go plinking with but the .22 rifle was perfect for target shooting.We had a .223 at one point too.I've always owned guns, was quite good, knew what I was doing and miss it like hell. This post was too f*n funny Chuck, too funny!xoxo
I've owned hundreds of guns in my life, I probably have 30 now, some my Dad left me, a few antiques, some collectable, a lot for hunting, and a couple that are customized for other things. They are all legal, but I always thought if the cops saw them they would think that I'm some type of freak.
I've lived my life around guns and belonged to the NRA. I can't stand the fact that I can't own a gun. That doesn't mean I won't or don't have one!
If your situation allows it, moving way out into the bush would solve a lot of these kinds of problems. In general, the fewer people you have to deal with, the better off you are and the better the quality of your life is.
i agree sir, if my situation changes the first thing on the list is, move to the woods, thanks for stopping by.
Chuck,
I was watching a show on the travel channel last night, about Eastern Oklahoma, and it seemed like there was a good bit of land empty up in the mountains there. Man, even a trailer out in the woods would beat having to put up with this kind of stuff. Maybe it's time to upstakes. Hey, you could tell your neighbors you were thinking of moving out but you need some green, and maybe they would contribute to the pot to get you gone! Sounds like there is little love lost there. I tell you though, you're more charitable than I am. If somebody had come on my land and cut one of my trees, there'd have been murder done.
Frank
thank you sir, seems people around here don't have any respect for trees, they cut them down all the time, i can see cutting firewood and lumber, but in town here where the are scarce anyway they just butcher them, sometimes trees hundreds of years old. my grandpa planted trees on his place, a wind break, when i was a kid 30 years ago. he's gone now but the trees are still there 40 or 45 foot tall. i've planted a couple of trees in my time and i hope they are still standing long after i am. thanks.
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