Mustard; Condiment Of The Devil…

I’ve said it before, “Once you’ve turned forty, never trust your farts.” It’s the Creed I live by now. I had a Polish Hot Dog yesterday for breakfast (I know) but my times are mixed up and I just eat whatever, whenever. Well not exactly whatever anymore. Back to the “Polish Dog of Death” French’s has that new upside down bottle with the booger free tip, crust free, whatever. I don’t think Quality Control spent too much time on it because with your first blast you get a glob the size of a vanilla wafer, it goes pretty well after that but you need a knife or something to spread the first glob around and I thought that was the reason for the squeeze bottle in the first place, no knife. To make a short story shorter, my first bite was nasty, way too much mustard for the amount of kielbasa. I hate it when the meat to condiment ratio is jacked up, also reminding me that mustard and I don’t see eye to eye anymore. Too much and it’s like a glass of Mexican water and a couple of spoons of “Turbo-lax” mixed with it. Just before I went to bed at around 1:00 AM this morning I felt a few things in my stomach shift around a bit followed by something that sounded like a cheetah purring. I thought that I would probably be getting up sometime soon and spending a little quality time on the throne.

3:42 in the AM I woke up and farted… bad idea. I hobbled out of bed as fast as I could trying to keep my butt cheeks squeezed together as much as possible, limped to the bathroom and I know I started unloading before my butt hit porcelain. Fortunately the Gods were with me and my aim was true. Now I won’t lie to you, it felt pretty Damn good at first but then it turned ugly real fast. I started cramping so bad I was reaching for the “Midol”. My Lord it was uncomfortable, I won’t go into detail but I was splashing so much I knew I was going to have to wipe with a towel. When it was all said and done I just sat there and waited, because that was the third thing I learned upon reaching forty, just because you start to wipe does not mean that you are finished, (the second thing I learned was that just because you feel like you need to go, does not mean that you will go) and sure enough there was another wave of Hell before I was finished. I was through and back in bed all of three minutes before I had to get up and do it all again.

I have compiled a short list of foods and items that I would be better off avoiding either because of the flatulence probability or the full blown “Green Apple Shuffle” as my brother likes to call it.

1. MUSTARD
2. TUNA FISH
3. PORK N’ BEANS
4. WINE COOLERS
5. COORS BEER
6. TACO MAYO
7. THE DEVIL SPICE KNOW AS GINGER
(NEVER, EVER, EVER… GINGER)
8. HARD BOILED EGGS
9. MANGO CHUTNEY
10. SUSHI
( IT DOESN’T BOTHER ME, I JUST DON’T LIKE IT)
11. LIVER AND ONIONS
12. WISE PUFFED CHEESE DOODLES
13. GRAPE BUBBLE-YUM BUBBLE GUM
14. SAUERKRAUT
15. OLIVES
(ANY AMOUNT OVER 3)

Now I’m sure as I get older this list will grow, for your safety I will try and keep you up to date. Good day.